girglemegirkin

well it looks like justin, curtley, and i are actualy going to go through with getting an appartment together in corning, which is totaly boss. I think this is a vital change that the three of us all need. To get away, but not actualy be away, the independence that you expect to come witht the college expirience. Im fucking excited.

when you find out your highschool crush is now a full fledged lesbian. not that there is anything wrong with that, but i thing that takes my chances down a bit.

dave raymond got layed last weekend. jesus christ. its a sad day for virgens my age, not that i have ever even tryed to loose mine, nor do i give a shit if i did, but it was always like, well i will always know that it will happen before dave. hahaha. well anyways, esker is home, and i am now reminded why my depression wasnt as bad back when they were around. i think my problems would be solved if i could just move away with them. they lack the outstanding amount of drama that comes with the people i have been around lately. its refreshing, not to get a guilt trip of some sort every time your at a social event, or get reminded how much you suck at life, and so on. this is a good week, i dont want it to end.

well fuck me sideways and call me sally.

ever wish you could take something back, like a few months worth of somethings, just make them all go away. but i cant, and that is gay. i feel like everything i do anymore just isnt even with the effort. im fucking everything up hardcore. i miss my friends zack nate zack and tyler so much it hurts, i need them now more then ever. i never had to work for there friendship, and they never had to work for mine, it was/is just there, strong as the ocean is vast. i have to switch my focus on to school. its horrible there but i have to do good to get out of there, i refuse to be another statistic, that people like me cant be successfull. tomorrow is my second trip to nyc this year, we will just have to wait and see how that goes. went to get greg today, mindy was at his dorm, i like her, shes the first girl iv met that treats him well, that much i envy. i am glad to have him home. i baked a cake, nobodys eating it, i hope it keeps :/, but as they say, the proof is in the pudding, and the pudding is mixed with whipped cream, i hope it keeps. jobs annoy me. i need one, nobody wants me. we are nearly destitute, yet i am quite frugal with my spending, i hope i used frugal in the correct context. i think im a freak, and probably a looser. this parragraph is running like crazy. im going to visit arrielle soon, i like her, she is nice, we have conversations of fine art, religion, and politics, itsnice to talk to someone about things like that once in a while. im also going to visit alison soon. smart girls i graduated with are coming out of the woodwork and asking me to visit. whats with that? im not complaining though, i need the company, and the doc says i need to travel to real colleges for a weekend every once in a while. christmas music was playing at halmark on halloween when i went to get ems card, cant they wait a day? this will promise to be a joyus holiday season for me, as because the all of esker will be home, and it seems i can only be tuly happy when with them. i have been playing alot of bass lately, i enjoy that instrument, pluss my drums are at kyles, so when im at home, the bass is my only outlet. i want an accordian. i would be carying on the family tradition. well im going to go to bed, and proceed to sleep for an excess of about 2 hours, until i have to wake up.

p.s. i have finaly come to grips with what has troubled me for so long. my mental status will heal with time, i assure you. but my mindset has changed drasticaly. you cant force someone to feel. and sometimes a friend is much more valuable than anything else. that you can take to the bank.

my mind is officialy lost i believe. i am beggining to alienate myself from my friends, i dont know why, its almost as if i have a split personality, my oppinions change throughout the day, so a decision i make at night, i will change my outlook on it the next day, and regret it. i dont know how to find a medium between the relms of doing whats best for me, or doing whats best for the ones that i love and care about. i have no clue why i desire so much to be in a relationship, but its something that plagues my mind day in and day out, my therapist said that i am going to have to wait until im in med school, and a good 3-4 years in, before i will find a girl that truly will love me for me. there have been studies that the judgement with girls from the age of 18 until 25 will change drasticaly, obviously enough the ones at 18 will be looking for some bad-ass guy with a sweet ride, who likes to party, then toward the 25 age they look for a mature guy that will love and cherish them, and take care of them. the reason for all the devorce in this country is because of all the people getting married when there like 21, 22, a few years later, the girl realized that they married a complete tool. here inlies my problem, im the loving cherishing type of guy, and no girls my age even think about liking guys like that. life sucks.

im sick of getting my heart broken. why is it that whenever i love someone for whatever reason, they dont give a shit about me?
its just not fair.

lan parties tear everyone apart.

it seems as though i have fallen, and now that it is exposed, i can not hide it any longer, the hurt has grown ten fold. broken promisses. im so lost. and i wish i could let you see inside my head so you would understand.

i don't understand why the people i love so much make me feel so absolutely horrible, and worthless. its times like these where i wonder if certain peoples opinions are their own, or are skewed by that of other individuals. as hard as it is, one has to question the level of friendship that certain people may actually be presenting, in comparison to what they say they are presenting. i mean if said friend is fully aware of the utter turmoil that is being brought upon the individual, even to the point of physical sickness, wouldn't one have to presume that this friend would give a fucking shit.

im not okay.

so here i am, once again, dog/cat/house sitting for another one of my friends parents who are off at college. so im sitting here alone, for three days with nothing to do and nobody to talk to. i put a big dent in the car across the street, backing out, luckily the guy let me go, because he knew it would shoot my insurance up, our oldest dog died a few days ago, so my mother is going insane, and i decided to get my cartalege peirced yesterday, as if i wasnt doing enough to piss my parents off. the worst part of it is, i cant find anybody who wants to hang out with me, it seems as though none of my friends ever want to hang out with me outside of school, i try to make plans, and it never works, theres always someone in there lives that comes before me, and i know that sounds incredibly self centered, but when you are basicaly forced to be alone constantly it tends to get to you. it feels like im just floating off into nothingness.

so today halo 3, anddd the new foo fighters cd came out, and im broke, and im listening to alanis morrisettes song, ironic, and its funny cause this is ironic, more like unfortunate like its described in the song.

i do understand what it is that i do wrong, it just seems as though i am never appreaciated for what i do, the friends that i almostt completely devote my life to, seem like they see me as just an annoyance, its difficult, i have had to go so long through life with nobody showing me love, thats all i want, but no. nice guys are annoying, guys who dont drink or party,or beg for sex are lame and stupid. i stand firmly behind my theory that girls are attracted to assholes, nice guys like myself just get fucked over in the long run. i just hate everything right now. i have no fucking direction, nobody gives a flying shit about me, at all, and i know nobody cares about anything i write right now, nobody ever does, i just need somebody to LITERALY care about me, tell me that they care about nobody else more than me. but no, thats wishfull thinking, i have dreamt about something like that happening to me for so many years, not once has it even come close to happening. i just feel used constantly, the only time i ever get to hang out with anybody, is when they need a ride, but when i call them to do something, they dont feel like it, or they dont want to. fuck. somebody. im begging you. please help me.

just as things started turning for the better, they just flip and now im in a worse sittuation that i was before. you see a while back i met a girl, she seemed to have a heavy interest in me, which in my life is quite out of the norm, dumbfounded by the situation, i took my normal rout of avoiding the situation, presuming that it was too good to be true, but a few days later a was suprised to find that she was still ambitous towards me, i was discovering what it was to be pursued by a person of the opposite sex, a brand new expirience for me to say the least. so i did what telivision has taught me so well to do, i asked her out on a date, she accepted. it was an awkward "lame" afternoon, as most first dates can be classified as. things were going pretty well, she was calling me every night, and we would talk for hours, another new concept to me, having never talked on the phone for longer than five minutes. fresh out of the end of my school year, her, i and a few other friends went to darien lake, it was a fun time, we got to spend time with eachother, which drew us closer, directly following this trip i spent 3 nights in a row at her house, only by blind coincidence i was drawn back to her house every night, where we would lay in blankets on the floor, watching a movie, and she would fall asleep in my arms, for the first time in years i was truly happy, it changed my entire being, returning the aura of joy that followed me when i was a child, but drained away when i entered highschool, i have many friends whom can attest to my utter exuberance during that short time. short, this word can lead to many things in ones mind, as you could already tell, my time on topp was short lived, it was at a function in the venturing crew that we are both members of, that within a spite of smalltalk i asked her if she was going to need a ride home, to which she replied "no, my boyfriend is picking me up" i was speechless, borderline catatonic, finaly with the shallow hope that maybee she could be messing with me, and reffering to me as her boyfried, i replied with a quick and supple "pardon me?" to my great dismay she said, yes my boyfriend josh, the brother of a friend of mine, holli, whom seemed to be excited towards the idea of me being with this girl, but no, she decided that i wasnt good enough. storming off in a rage, i got into my car, screached off, and speed home. in my room was a cloud of solom depression and self pity, just waiting for me. if not to make matters worse, she kept on talking to me as if we were the best of friends, me being mr nice guy, i went with it, as not to hurt anybodys feelings. the thing of it is, at the beggining of all this i was told by some of my most trusted friends to stay away from her, that i would just get my heart broken. they were right. if i may quote a song by blink 182 that sparked this whole outburst of writing "life just sucks, i lost the run, im giving up, she found someone, theres plenty more, girls are such a drag".

it feels like i am in a hole, a hole that is too deep for me to climb out of, and i can see the outside, but cannot get out, and all those whom i care about, and i wishingly "assume" that they care about me, are right outside said hole, and im screaming out to them for help, but for somereason, no matter how loud i yell, they do not respond, and i feel this is the best chance i have to get their attention, because as time goes by they get further and further from the hole. im always the last resort, im always the guy who everyone assumes wont care if he is left out, im always the one who gets made fun off because im to nice to make fun of my own friends or tell them off, im always the one who isnt included in the big plans, im always the one who is used, im always the one who is critasized, im the guy with a huge capasity for love, but for some odd reason is constantly rejected from the chance to express that love towards someone, im the nice guy, the guy who is always the good friend, and listens to girls he cares about say the want to be with a nice, good guy, but a the same time date an asshole who drinks and does drugs and wants nothing but sex, but i stand idley by, respecting my friends wishes, im the one who never gets a chance, im the one who poors xhis goddamn heart out, for the whole world to see, and yet is practicaly talking to himself. when the hell am i going to get a chance? when the hell do i finaly get to be happy?

i feel increadibly alone. i look at my friends who are in relationships, and i cant help but be gealous, gealous of having some to care about, and having them care about you. most people just say to me that "oh relationships suck anyway" well how am i supposed to know that, not ever having been in a relationship before, not even coming close. im graduating highschool in less than a month, and i cant help but let the question run through my mind "what have i been doing wrong?" am i unatractive? am i an asshole? to have such unanswered questions does not do good things for ones self esteem. im just writing this to vent, seeing as nobody reads my things anyways.

i could really use a friend.

so i was informed that my journal was to depressy, by the one person to look at it, so i wouls just like to say, that the fact that i get to see my friends such as em and all of them makes me want to go to corning, im happy for my friends that did win schoolastic awards, because they deserved it, i dont really care that i dont have a girlfriend, and dragonforce isnt that bad after all.


oh and justine, yeah shes basicaly like my best friend right now, and shes awesome.

lets hear some things about you...
1. Can you cook?
2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. Are you currently dirty or clean?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
10. How did we meet?
11. What's your philosophy on life?
12. Negative or Optimistic?
13. What was your dream growing up?
14. What is the best thing that ever happened to you?
15. What was your first impression of me?
16. Tell me one weird fact about you:
17. Whats your favorite memory of us?
18. Tell me your favorite joke:
19. Have you ever kept anything from me?
20. What do you think of me as a Person?
21. Do you think I'm sane or insane?
22. Would you cry for me if I died?
23. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
24. If you could change anything about me, would you?
25. How do you fall asleep?
26. Ever gotten angry with me?
27. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?
28. If you had one day to live, what would you do?
29. A million bucks.. what would you do with it?
30. What is your worst fear?
31. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
32. Can you sing or dance?
33. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest....

as many of you know, i will be attending ccc next year. im in my senior year of highschool now, and you know what sucks, all of my friends having that day, when they get that acceptance letter in the mail from that one special college they wanted to get into, and they call you and tell you about it, just like in the movies right? yeah well you dont get that happy feeling when you go to corning, no-sir-ee-bob, and my friends are just thinking about what college is going to be like, and all the new expiriences, and what im thinking about is how much im going to miss them, because i love and care about them. but they dont care, they just keep on saying how great it is that they get to leave this stink-ass town, well you know what im still going to be in this stink ass town, so apperently you want to get away from me too.

alot of my friends nowadays are getting jobs, and are getting boyfriends or girlfriends, this sucks, im not saying its bad that they do these things, its just that, i have nobody to hang out with now. i miss my friends. :(